So its been a week since the negative BETA....a week since I stopped taking hormones and a week since I was supposed to get aunt flow. Nothing so far, a little lite spotting Yesterday but thats it. Aunt flow started visiting when I was 11 and every 28 days never fail (to the half hour) she visits, except for the times that I was pregnant, but now 28 days has come and gone and yet....no aunt flow. I have to say that I didn't poas when I was pupo but since the negative beta (when aunt flow didn't come as planned last tuesday morning) starting last thursday I started peeing on sticks...lol. Ridiculous I know but I was worried that aunt flow hadn't arrived....so I poas all day thursday and part of friday of course they to were all negative. I'm starting to worry now I have NEVER been late unless there was a reason....I maybe should call my doctor and get her to have a look. I know it seems weird to worry about auntie's lack of visit but for me, no visit is weird. If anyone has any thoughts please let me know.
So first off I just want to apologize to blogger world. Yesterday I was "negative" in more ways then one, and I want to thank everyone for the nice comments of reassurance. So I spent allot of last night and this morning remembering that God is a friend of mine. I spent a great deal of time praying and meditating and I'm in a better place spiritually. I have a peace about me now. Yes it sucks that the FET didn't work but at the same time maybe God has bigger plans for us. If and when H and G want to try again, my womb is here for them. I will go to the ends of it all to help them bring home their dream. I was mostly upset yesterday because I really wanted this for them, and I still do. All of the support and heartfelt thoughts sent my way were soooo appreciated. I am here and I'm not going anywhere. H and G please know that my womb is yours whenever you want or need it.
I have to say I don't feel much like blogging....and I don't know when I will again. I feel like a failure. The Beta was negative. I know I did everything I could but I still feel like a failure! Was there something more I could have done? Why didn't the embies like my womb? I can't stop crying. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I haven't smoked since I can't remember when and I have to say I had a cigarette tonight. I am so hurt that this didn't work and I feel like I have let my friends down (H and G) I've put them through another disappointment, and these feelings bring me back to my first thought. Failure, I am a failure, that's how I feel and I'm not sure when this feeling will end.
Just thought I would leave a little post. In answer to some comments I've been getting. Nope no peeing here. H and G prefer if I don't poas for as long as possible. They would prefer if I wait for beta. But they also said that if I absolutely have to poas then please wait to at least Easter weekend. I tell you its hard. (to wait) but I am. My boobs a really sore have been especially sore the last two days and I've been really tired the last two days too. Like I get up in the morning heat my ass stick a needle in it put a heating pad on it and pretty much am done for the day...lol. Seriously after just being awake for like an hour I'm ready to crawl back into bed. I don't recall ever being this tired in my whole life! (not even with my own pregnancy's) Maybe this means they all took... maybe I'm sooo tired cause I have three babies in there....I'm praying for the best. Please if you could all keep us in your prayers and pray for two to three babies. Anyways that's all I have to write for now. Oh and to the two surro's who offered me support (you know who you are) Thank you so much that means allot to me and I will definitely be using you for support. (I'm crying again...gotta love the hormones)
Yup you read it right.....I'm PUPO! Thats really all I have to say. Well except to add that I've definately never gotton PUPO in this way before nor have I ever been PUPO with someone elses babies. But I love it. I'm the worlds biggest cry baby, I'm taking all the pills and giving myself shots in the ass. Whats not to love? Will write more later, I'm going back to bed.
Okay so I'm a cry baby. Always have been, always will be and it dosn't really bother me...usually. Ever since I started taking estrace I've been even more of a cry baby. I see a commercial, I cry, I watch Extreme makeover Home addition, I cry, you get the picture. So Friday was our 10 day check at the clinic, first the couldn't find a vein, I cried. The the ultrasound: 9mm with three lines (whatever that means) H went in with me for the ultrasound and I'm paraiding around in only my bra and shirt when she asks: do you mind if I'm in here? I just laughed...I'm not a shy girl. So H and the technician and nurse are talking the ling about numbers and lines and I have no clue what they're talking about....this is my first time you know. So after all is said and done back to the waiting room where I ask H for a translation lol. The meeting with Dr. L is great he said "not only do your have a Beautiful womb but you have a wonderful lining too." So Monday the 30 is transfer day. Woot woot! I got to meet with another Dr. to learn how to give myself the progesteron in oil shots. I find this a little difficult, not the needle part, the seeing my butt around my boobs part. So I have to do it one handed because I need one hand to squish in my boob and move it out of the way. I'm also on Doxocylin now too. So after we leave the big city I took H down to the "cottage art studio" where I paint and show my art. Then we get back to my house and OMG I walk in my apartment and there are big gaping holes where the windows and slider used to be. Aparantly they are giving mew new windows but the just took all the old ones and frames out then left. I was freaking out (and crying) I've got three cats and one of them is just a baby (was born 8 weeks ago) So then H tries to do some organizing of my place but every time she touched something I practically freak (I'm a little hormoned out at the moment) So then she accidently see's part of this gift/ surprise I had bought for her, so while balling my eyes out I show it to her. Its a sticker/scrap book for mommy's to be to detail the pregnancy and stuff leading up to baby. (like a baby book but for the pregnancy) I thought it would be a great gift for her and I to fill in together. This way she has a "rememberence" to know what its like to be pregnant to term. Anyways. I'm so excited...is this really happening? Monday, Wow. As of Monday I'll be PUPO. All I can say is: WOW. (damn I'm crying again)
So I've been living on little sleep and going back and forth to the city but, all for the cause. I've met with my lawyer and have signed the contracts. So now the journey really begins. Was at the clinic yesterday as it was my day two with AF. They took my bloods and did the extra fun kind of u/s if you know what I mean...and I'm sure you all do. Then had a quick meet with the RE and I am now taking estrace...lots of it. H and I then spent part of the day shopping and eating. I have a hard time shopping for pants because I'm short and I have a nice ROUND butt. I like to think of my butt as an ASSet lol. Whenever I buy pants they always fit my waist fine but by the time they curve around my ass there seems to be this leftover gap of material. I've always joked my whole life on how I'm a white girl with a "black"ass I don't mean this in a prejudicial way at all. But all my coloured friends know what I mean about the gap in the pants above our butts. Its hard to look smashing in an outfit when the legs are 5 inches too long and the top of the butt gathers in the back. I mean it if you stand behind me you could probably see right down my pants with the gap that's there. I also bought a couple of new bras which I really needed. When I finally got home I took the time to read the side effects on the estrace and they said Boobs May Get Bigger....BIGGER? GULP. Trust me my boobs are big enough I'm talking 40D how much bigger can they get? Bras are expensive when your my size. They never seem to have sales on bras once you cross the 36C line. I don't know how I'll cover the girls if they get bigger. Already I don't have the option on buying bras in the nice lingerie shops cause they never have my size and if they do they have to make a big production over going into the back storage room for each and every bra I may want to try on, and really who needs that kind of hassle. You know before I had my kids I was a nice small 34A and at times I wished my boobs were a little bit bigger, ever since having my kids and breast feeding I've been stuck at a 40D and I wish my boobs were a little bit smaller. Even when I loose weight I can't seem to loose my boobs. Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading. So on the surrogacy front things are moving along smoothly. I go back to the Dr's on the 27th and then he says implant will be anywhere from 1-4 days after that. I'm so excited about the whole process (except maybe the boobs bigger part). Will keep you all updated.
Single again gal, whose had two children of her own and is trying to help someone else on their struggle through infertility.
The way I see it #21:
People need to see that, far from being an obstacle, the worlds diversity of languages, religions, fertility (infertility) and traditions is a great treasure, affording us precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.