So its been a week since the negative BETA....a week since I stopped taking hormones and a week since I was supposed to get aunt flow. Nothing so far, a little lite spotting Yesterday but thats it. Aunt flow started visiting when I was 11 and every 28 days never fail (to the half hour) she visits, except for the times that I was pregnant, but now 28 days has come and gone and yet....no aunt flow. I have to say that I didn't poas when I was pupo but since the negative beta (when aunt flow didn't come as planned last tuesday morning) starting last thursday I started peeing on sticks...lol. Ridiculous I know but I was worried that aunt flow hadn't arrived....so I poas all day thursday and part of friday of course they to were all negative. I'm starting to worry now I have NEVER been late unless there was a reason....I maybe should call my doctor and get her to have a look. I know it seems weird to worry about auntie's lack of visit but for me, no visit is weird. If anyone has any thoughts please let me know.
So first off I just want to apologize to blogger world. Yesterday I was "negative" in more ways then one, and I want to thank everyone for the nice comments of reassurance. So I spent allot of last night and this morning remembering that God is a friend of mine. I spent a great deal of time praying and meditating and I'm in a better place spiritually. I have a peace about me now. Yes it sucks that the FET didn't work but at the same time maybe God has bigger plans for us. If and when H and G want to try again, my womb is here for them. I will go to the ends of it all to help them bring home their dream. I was mostly upset yesterday because I really wanted this for them, and I still do. All of the support and heartfelt thoughts sent my way were soooo appreciated. I am here and I'm not going anywhere. H and G please know that my womb is yours whenever you want or need it.
I have to say I don't feel much like blogging....and I don't know when I will again. I feel like a failure. The Beta was negative. I know I did everything I could but I still feel like a failure! Was there something more I could have done? Why didn't the embies like my womb? I can't stop crying. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I haven't smoked since I can't remember when and I have to say I had a cigarette tonight. I am so hurt that this didn't work and I feel like I have let my friends down (H and G) I've put them through another disappointment, and these feelings bring me back to my first thought. Failure, I am a failure, that's how I feel and I'm not sure when this feeling will end.
Just thought I would leave a little post. In answer to some comments I've been getting. Nope no peeing here. H and G prefer if I don't poas for as long as possible. They would prefer if I wait for beta. But they also said that if I absolutely have to poas then please wait to at least Easter weekend. I tell you its hard. (to wait) but I am. My boobs a really sore have been especially sore the last two days and I've been really tired the last two days too. Like I get up in the morning heat my ass stick a needle in it put a heating pad on it and pretty much am done for the day...lol. Seriously after just being awake for like an hour I'm ready to crawl back into bed. I don't recall ever being this tired in my whole life! (not even with my own pregnancy's) Maybe this means they all took... maybe I'm sooo tired cause I have three babies in there....I'm praying for the best. Please if you could all keep us in your prayers and pray for two to three babies. Anyways that's all I have to write for now. Oh and to the two surro's who offered me support (you know who you are) Thank you so much that means allot to me and I will definitely be using you for support. (I'm crying again...gotta love the hormones)
Yup you read it right.....I'm PUPO! Thats really all I have to say. Well except to add that I've definately never gotton PUPO in this way before nor have I ever been PUPO with someone elses babies. But I love it. I'm the worlds biggest cry baby, I'm taking all the pills and giving myself shots in the ass. Whats not to love? Will write more later, I'm going back to bed.
Okay so I'm a cry baby. Always have been, always will be and it dosn't really bother me...usually. Ever since I started taking estrace I've been even more of a cry baby. I see a commercial, I cry, I watch Extreme makeover Home addition, I cry, you get the picture. So Friday was our 10 day check at the clinic, first the couldn't find a vein, I cried. The the ultrasound: 9mm with three lines (whatever that means) H went in with me for the ultrasound and I'm paraiding around in only my bra and shirt when she asks: do you mind if I'm in here? I just laughed...I'm not a shy girl. So H and the technician and nurse are talking the ling about numbers and lines and I have no clue what they're talking about....this is my first time you know. So after all is said and done back to the waiting room where I ask H for a translation lol. The meeting with Dr. L is great he said "not only do your have a Beautiful womb but you have a wonderful lining too." So Monday the 30 is transfer day. Woot woot! I got to meet with another Dr. to learn how to give myself the progesteron in oil shots. I find this a little difficult, not the needle part, the seeing my butt around my boobs part. So I have to do it one handed because I need one hand to squish in my boob and move it out of the way. I'm also on Doxocylin now too. So after we leave the big city I took H down to the "cottage art studio" where I paint and show my art. Then we get back to my house and OMG I walk in my apartment and there are big gaping holes where the windows and slider used to be. Aparantly they are giving mew new windows but the just took all the old ones and frames out then left. I was freaking out (and crying) I've got three cats and one of them is just a baby (was born 8 weeks ago) So then H tries to do some organizing of my place but every time she touched something I practically freak (I'm a little hormoned out at the moment) So then she accidently see's part of this gift/ surprise I had bought for her, so while balling my eyes out I show it to her. Its a sticker/scrap book for mommy's to be to detail the pregnancy and stuff leading up to baby. (like a baby book but for the pregnancy) I thought it would be a great gift for her and I to fill in together. This way she has a "rememberence" to know what its like to be pregnant to term. Anyways. I'm so excited...is this really happening? Monday, Wow. As of Monday I'll be PUPO. All I can say is: WOW. (damn I'm crying again)
So I've been living on little sleep and going back and forth to the city but, all for the cause. I've met with my lawyer and have signed the contracts. So now the journey really begins. Was at the clinic yesterday as it was my day two with AF. They took my bloods and did the extra fun kind of u/s if you know what I mean...and I'm sure you all do. Then had a quick meet with the RE and I am now taking estrace...lots of it. H and I then spent part of the day shopping and eating. I have a hard time shopping for pants because I'm short and I have a nice ROUND butt. I like to think of my butt as an ASSet lol. Whenever I buy pants they always fit my waist fine but by the time they curve around my ass there seems to be this leftover gap of material. I've always joked my whole life on how I'm a white girl with a "black"ass I don't mean this in a prejudicial way at all. But all my coloured friends know what I mean about the gap in the pants above our butts. Its hard to look smashing in an outfit when the legs are 5 inches too long and the top of the butt gathers in the back. I mean it if you stand behind me you could probably see right down my pants with the gap that's there. I also bought a couple of new bras which I really needed. When I finally got home I took the time to read the side effects on the estrace and they said Boobs May Get Bigger....BIGGER? GULP. Trust me my boobs are big enough I'm talking 40D how much bigger can they get? Bras are expensive when your my size. They never seem to have sales on bras once you cross the 36C line. I don't know how I'll cover the girls if they get bigger. Already I don't have the option on buying bras in the nice lingerie shops cause they never have my size and if they do they have to make a big production over going into the back storage room for each and every bra I may want to try on, and really who needs that kind of hassle. You know before I had my kids I was a nice small 34A and at times I wished my boobs were a little bit bigger, ever since having my kids and breast feeding I've been stuck at a 40D and I wish my boobs were a little bit smaller. Even when I loose weight I can't seem to loose my boobs. Anyways that's my rant, thanks for reading. So on the surrogacy front things are moving along smoothly. I go back to the Dr's on the 27th and then he says implant will be anywhere from 1-4 days after that. I'm so excited about the whole process (except maybe the boobs bigger part). Will keep you all updated.
Oh my...I won an award. I'm so excited to be a part of the club, I feel as though I some how slipped in through the back door when no-one was watching...lol. So I spent the afternoon with H showing her around the little market that I buy my fresh foods at. As always (with us) we started off with a little sampling of food...some curried goat and taboulah salad for me and some vegtable biryani for H also we both had a sweet potatoe and spinach pakora. (yum) Then we parused the market for a bit and then the health store to pick up some HORSE pills (fish oil caps) for me, not as great as the food (but I'll choke them down). Some how we ended up looking at cute little onesies (so cute) So now I've got a onesy and so does H. I have to say the look on the sales girls face when H said "I'd like to try this on" was priceless, of course she was refuring to some cute capris not the onesies. All in All a good day all around. Oh yeah apperently I passed the "tests" so not much longer now. The picture at the top (beside my award) is of H and I in our disguises...her as a pig and myself as a bunny. (we're hoping I have a litter apparently)
I'm supposed to pass the award on but there are to many of you to choose from and you all deserve it so...YOU ALL WIN.
Okay so I've been tagged. So here are ten random/honest things about me.
1. I am adopted...was adopted the day before my 4th birthday, and I love my parents (all of them)
2. When I was growing up I always wanted to be a Dr. ( specifically a surgeon) But then life took other turns and I became a professional Baker instead.
3. My Mom was killed in a car accident when I was 15 years old and I've pretty much been on my own since then. I was estranged from the rest of my family from when my mom died until about five years ago.
4. Two years ago I weighed 252 lbs. June 2007 242 Lbs. June 2008 225 Lbs. September 2008 222Lbs. Now (feb. 2009) 189 Lbs.thats almost 64 lbs that I've lost.(woot woot)
5. I'm secretly jealous of all you IF and IVF's because alltho you've all had lots of heartache and heartbreak, you all seem to have loving supporting Husbands...where as my Prince charmless spent the last five years of our marriage constantly putting me down and he secretly had a girlfriend on the side for 3 years (we are now divorced) My biggest wish is to have someone Love me and hold me when I cry.
6. Number five was really hard for me to admit.
7. There are nights when I fall asleep wondering if I will EVER find Mr. Right.
8. I recently went back to college and every year/semester I've made the Deans list but now in my final semester I'm wondering if I'll even pass and that scares me.
9. I am afraid of failure but, I am also secretly afraid of sucess.
10. My greatest joy in life comes from helping others.
Now I'm supposed to "tag" 7 other people but, honestly I wouldn't know who to tagg. Most others that I follow have already been tagged and I don't like double tagging sooo, if you want to do this go ahead...if you havn't already been tagged don't take it personnally, don't worry not being tagged does not mean your not liked/loved.
Ok so...the powers that be say I'm Sane (woot, woot) Of course after reading this post you may not agree but thats alright. So the Dr's visit went well. You say Dr's appointment I say most action I've had in a while lol. So I talked with the psycologist (briefly) Then went upstairs for : Ultrasound, vaginal ultrasound, one on one with Dr, Full Physical, Breast check, pap, cultures, another one on one with Dr, a "team" meet with Dr, followed with bloods. Was a very intensive and full procedure (wow what you gals and guys go through). So we start, was up this morning at 5:00am taking my first prenatal pill.
On another note. I've been taking the time to read alot of other peoples stories and its come to my attention something I inadvertently did. I've notice that a few of you have issues over fertiles using the word "blessed", which I myself have used in the past. Please let me say that I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I as a loose lipped fertile never realized or thought about what my using that word may mean or do to others. I have never felt or believed that I was more "blessed" or better than or above anyone else in my life time. I have been extremely lucky in the child department and I want all of you IF and IVF's to know that I am sorry if at anytime I personally made you feel as though I thought I was more deserving or better then you Because I don't and I'm sorry. I don't think that "God" has stuck his finger out of Heaven and said you, you, and you, can have children and you, you, and you can't. I think its unfortunate and sad when wanting to be/deserving to be parents are unable to have babies because everyone of you deserve it as much as I. On another note may I tell you that my beautiful Mom who I love to pieces was and has always been infertile. My sister and I were lucky enough to have that wonderful women adopt us when we were young toddlers. I am now just realizing the amount of heartache involved in anyones fertility struggle and I'd like you all to know that your in my prayers and my heart and I'm hoping you all end up with the BFPwhether it be with you, your surrogate or through adoption.
Okay so tomorrow is the BIG day....Am I sane enough.
I'm sitting here working myself up over the prospective questions that I may be asked tomorrow. The IM sent me a link to a questionnaire that a surrogacy agency in the states asks their potential surrogates. Some of the questions on there are daunting to say the least. I feel like alot of the questions that they ask are completely not relevent to my situation but they have definately left me wondering: am I sane enough? I know that I have "God" on my side and that the IP's know everything about me and my past...I have absolutely no secrets and they want me to be their gestational carrier, however I keep thinking what if the powers that be decided that I am not "qualified" enough? Its alot to think about what if I'm responsible for the parents not getting their baby. I would feel so bad. I guess I just have to let go and let God. I know that I am meant to do this and nothing would bring me greater joy than helping them bring home baby. Maybe I just need to stress less and stop worring. It is what it is and I believe I'm sane. As do the IP's as far as I know. I mean they wouldn't be even considering this if they didn't believe I'm sane enough would they? Anyways I just thought I would keep you all up to date on what's going through my mind at this stage. Please keep us in your prayers.
Good Morning R here. So today is the start of our "Operation Joyfulness" Was talking on the phone with H yesterday and she explained to me "operation happiness" and we decided that today I would embark on this journey/operation. Now I changed the name to "Operation Joyfullness" because, it wasn't that long ago that one of my friends sent me a loose translation of "Happyness" steming from the word "happenstance" or as my friend explained, caused by a happening. Now its been my experience that lots of things "happen" and not all of them cause happyness so I did not want to base my inner joy on a simple happining. Still with me? Good. So for me its "operation joyfullness" which means that I seek truth and inner joy in all that I do from here on out. Will start my day with prayer and meditation followed by breakfast and a phone call to H.
So my first blog (yesterday) I may have shared to much info on me not enough on them I don't know what I do know is that, it is what it is and I wrote what I wrote. I am new at this.
Oh yeah by the way I (R) am prospective GS and H is IM and G is IF got it? Good. Hope your not to confused by now. Will keep you updated as I go.
Please keep us all in your prayers so that the powers that be may find me "sane" on Friday.
Hi R here...please bear with me as this is the first time I've "blogged" and my typeing/spelling skills are not the greatest. SO I've had this overwhelming feeling that my God thinks I should share my/this/our story.
First a little background about me. I first got pregnant in 1992 while on the pill and useing condoms...I ended up miscarrying but I knew that I was fertile. In 1993 I was in a life altering car accident and while recovering from that in 1994 I was told that I may never be able to have kids, but I had a sister that told me "don't worry, if you need me to I would surrogate for you" Well it turns out the Dr.'s were wrong and I gave birth to a handsome boy in 1997 and a beautiful girl in 1999. At that point in my life I knew I was blessed twice and that if I ever were to meet someone later in life who was not as fortunate as me in the fertility department, that I would like to be able to help them. Enter H...the year 2008 At this point in my life I find myself a part of a group that brings in "keynote" speakers on a weekly basis. In the spring of 2008 I find myself in the position of having to find the speakers so....My speaker of the night had, had to cancel and in her place she sent H. From the moment I met H, I knew I had a connection with her and wanted to get to know her better, so I asked for her phone number and set a date to get together for coffee. Fast forward a few months and H and I had struck up a friendship. All the while I had no idea about her fertility struggles (and why would I?) So there comes a day that I'm on my way to meet H for a chat and some coffee...now I have no explaination for what happend to me next the only way I can explain it is "God" On my way to meet H, I had a feeling come over me that she may be struggleing with fertility this was quickly followed with the thought that I could possibly help her...followed by the thought that I should offer myself as a surrogate. ( I know weird eh) So as scared as I was and as foolish as I felt when I met up with H I acted on my inner feelings and let H know what I was thinking/feeling. So fastforward a few months and I find myself at the here and now. Feb. 16, 2009. Well H talk to G and then talked to me and here I am. H and G took me out to lunch on the 15th and we will all be going to our first "appointment" on Friday the 20th basically to find out if we're "sane" enough, or should I say to see if I'm sane enough. So please keep us in your prayers and pray that I "pass" because if I do than I may be on my way to helping them bring their baby (babies) into the world. I will keep you updated. Oh and before I forget if you want to know more about H and G then please please please checkout H's "blog" http://momsoon-myblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/babies-wanted-our-journey-through.html
Single again gal, whose had two children of her own and is trying to help someone else on their struggle through infertility.
The way I see it #21:
People need to see that, far from being an obstacle, the worlds diversity of languages, religions, fertility (infertility) and traditions is a great treasure, affording us precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.