So its been a week since the negative BETA....a week since I stopped taking hormones and a week since I was supposed to get aunt flow. Nothing so far, a little lite spotting Yesterday but thats it. Aunt flow started visiting when I was 11 and every 28 days never fail (to the half hour) she visits, except for the times that I was pregnant, but now 28 days has come and gone and yet....no aunt flow. I have to say that I didn't poas when I was pupo but since the negative beta (when aunt flow didn't come as planned last tuesday morning) starting last thursday I started peeing on sticks...lol. Ridiculous I know but I was worried that aunt flow hadn't arrived....so I poas all day thursday and part of friday of course they to were all negative. I'm starting to worry now I have NEVER been late unless there was a reason....I maybe should call my doctor and get her to have a look. I know it seems weird to worry about auntie's lack of visit but for me, no visit is weird. If anyone has any thoughts please let me know.
So first off I just want to apologize to blogger world. Yesterday I was "negative" in more ways then one, and I want to thank everyone for the nice comments of reassurance. So I spent allot of last night and this morning remembering that God is a friend of mine. I spent a great deal of time praying and meditating and I'm in a better place spiritually. I have a peace about me now. Yes it sucks that the FET didn't work but at the same time maybe God has bigger plans for us. If and when H and G want to try again, my womb is here for them. I will go to the ends of it all to help them bring home their dream. I was mostly upset yesterday because I really wanted this for them, and I still do. All of the support and heartfelt thoughts sent my way were soooo appreciated. I am here and I'm not going anywhere. H and G please know that my womb is yours whenever you want or need it.
I have to say I don't feel much like blogging....and I don't know when I will again. I feel like a failure. The Beta was negative. I know I did everything I could but I still feel like a failure! Was there something more I could have done? Why didn't the embies like my womb? I can't stop crying. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I haven't smoked since I can't remember when and I have to say I had a cigarette tonight. I am so hurt that this didn't work and I feel like I have let my friends down (H and G) I've put them through another disappointment, and these feelings bring me back to my first thought. Failure, I am a failure, that's how I feel and I'm not sure when this feeling will end.
Just thought I would leave a little post. In answer to some comments I've been getting. Nope no peeing here. H and G prefer if I don't poas for as long as possible. They would prefer if I wait for beta. But they also said that if I absolutely have to poas then please wait to at least Easter weekend. I tell you its hard. (to wait) but I am. My boobs a really sore have been especially sore the last two days and I've been really tired the last two days too. Like I get up in the morning heat my ass stick a needle in it put a heating pad on it and pretty much am done for the day...lol. Seriously after just being awake for like an hour I'm ready to crawl back into bed. I don't recall ever being this tired in my whole life! (not even with my own pregnancy's) Maybe this means they all took... maybe I'm sooo tired cause I have three babies in there....I'm praying for the best. Please if you could all keep us in your prayers and pray for two to three babies. Anyways that's all I have to write for now. Oh and to the two surro's who offered me support (you know who you are) Thank you so much that means allot to me and I will definitely be using you for support. (I'm crying again...gotta love the hormones)
Yup you read it right.....I'm PUPO! Thats really all I have to say. Well except to add that I've definately never gotton PUPO in this way before nor have I ever been PUPO with someone elses babies. But I love it. I'm the worlds biggest cry baby, I'm taking all the pills and giving myself shots in the ass. Whats not to love? Will write more later, I'm going back to bed.
Single again gal, whose had two children of her own and is trying to help someone else on their struggle through infertility.
The way I see it #21:
People need to see that, far from being an obstacle, the worlds diversity of languages, religions, fertility (infertility) and traditions is a great treasure, affording us precious opportunities to recognize ourselves in others.